


Root

by TheonlyDan



Category: Actor RPF, Big Little Lies (TV), Hot Pursuit (2015), Legally Blonde - All Media Types, Real Person Fiction, Star Wars - All Media Types, Wild (2014 Vallée)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dernaissance, Emotional Infidelity, F/F, Friendship/Love, How Do I Tag, Infidelity, Legally Blonde References, They are still friends in the end don't worry, first time writing rpf, i don't know where this came from, i hope this makes sense, so many references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22758037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheonlyDan/pseuds/TheonlyDan
Summary: “I’m sorry if I crossed the line.”“Don’t be.” Reese swallows, “You’ve never done anything I didn’t want you to.”“And that…is the fault we need to carry.”A look at Reese's life and her friendship with Laura Dern.
Relationships: Reese Witherpoon/Jim Toth, Reese Witherspoon&Laura Dern, Reese Witherspoon/Laura Dern, Reese Witherspoon/Sofia Vergara, Renata Klein/Madeline Martha Mackenzie
Kudos: 7





	Root

When I realize I'm just holding on to the hope that maybe

Your feelings don't show

It feels like I only go backwards, baby

Every part of me says, "Go ahead"

I got my hopes up again, oh no, not again

Feels like we only go backwards, darling

_Feels Like We Only Go Backwards,_

_Tame Impala_

***

2017.4.1. SAT[1]

People come and go.

She knows that but never truly _feels_ , until now—staring at the endless ocean, so vast and blue it threatens to swallow the skyline then the sun. The warm breeze is cooling down. Reese takes off her sunglasses and throws it onto the sand, the weight of the device too heavy to carry.

They started shooting BLL in 2016, with Reese working way ahead of the actors[2]. Though time flies by, every day on set dragged on in Reese’s memory. Maybe she was playing a character she hasn’t figured out; maybe she was playing a part of herself. She doesn’t know.

Everyone told her she is Madeline[3]. The only one who hasn’t gone along with it was Laura, now a few feet away, still sitting by the front porch of her beach house. She is waiting for her to rejoin their family in the living room.

She and Jaya are here to spend a weekend[4] with Reese and Ava; it is a miraculous arrangement because Laura is caught tight right after _Cold Pursuit_[5]. As for the boys, they have their own plans. Deacon feels awkward with a room full of girls, and he has some serious brother-brother bonding to do with Tennessee anyway. Reese just feels relieved that Jim had agreed to their plan. Laura’s son—Ellery, artistic and independent—is busy with his projects in NYC.[6]

The four of them have just wrapped up a live interview thingy[7], but people like Laura and Reese won’t let their vacation moods get ruined by that. It was just something live-streamed on Instagram.

Pain shoots up from her palms. Reese quickly unclenches her fists.

The moment of disorientation fades, and she realizes why she’s out here, alone.

Social media has been her weapon and medicine. Now she knows why her friends don’t use those apps as frequent as she does[8]—they are not as desperate.

Reese yearns for people to stay.

That’s why she posted all those pictures—mostly for PR, but also for people to see her, for her to prove people want to stick around.

She is certain this is another one of Laura Elizabeth Dern’s magical doings to make her understand another thing about herself. About how insecure she is.

For a while they’d call each other characters they played (or just nicknames they come up)—Laura would call her _Tracy F_ and she would call her _Stoops **[9]**_ , or she’d yell _Elle Woods_ and Reese would laugh and pretend to knock whatever Laura was holding just so she gets to reenact the whole stupid “bend and snap”[10].

Only when they are alone, Reese will start calling her “Elle” (it’s short for Elizabeth anyways), and Laura calling Reese “Laura” because “Laura Jeanne” [11] takes too long.

_“Elle?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_Reese smirked; after Laura realized she’d responded automatically, she soon mirrored Reese’s expression. They’d finally settled into a mode to their name-calling._

_They were flying back to LA **[12]**. The Wild press tour was exhausting, but Reese felt fulfilled._

_“This is going to sound pretty corny but thank you for all of this. I’ve never felt happier finishing a press tour like this, and I guess…you’re the reason.”_

_“Awww…” Laura reached for Reese’s shoulder and smiled without restraint, “That’s so sweet. The feeling is mutual.”_

_Reese starved for human contacts, the touches that were not for PR but private with warmth. She always felt warm with Laura._

_The golden light seeped through the half-closed window and made its way to Laura’s face. Her eyes turned a little indigo, transparent yet bottomless. Before Reese could categorize the feelings stirring her stomach, she was already leaning sideways for a hug. Laura reciprocated without a second thought, embracing the smaller blond while rubbing circles on her back._

_Reese breathed in her familiar scent as the fuzzy, prickly feeling took over. They were not going to see each other for a while after this._

_“So glad that we’re almost home.”_

_Laura murmured. She was never cheap with hugs, and she knew Reese preferred them longer. She knew Reese from how she took her coffee to the scar on her forehead **[13]** to the real story behind her tattoos **[14]**._

_They let go of each other, but it didn’t disrupt the tender moment._

_“Hey.” Laura called softly. Her expression was affectionate so Reese didn’t feel embarrassed for getting so absurdly emotional._

_“I’m so happy to become friends with you. It’s a privilege, Laura Jeanne.”_

_“I…”_

_Reese opened and closed her mouth. She stared at her hands. Even with Laura’s charm, she felt uncomfortable being this exposed._

_But Laura always knew how to enlighten instead of glossing-over. She wasn’t afraid of distance nor being earnest._

_“Have a good rest after this.” The taller woman said quietly, “You deserve it.”_

_Reese would be eternally in awe of Laura. How she mentored Reese without making her feel being condescended. Laura never lied when she said she saw herself in Reese, that she also learned a lot from the younger actress when Reese not so delicately asked, why hadn’t you quitted on me yet? Why did you see in me that made me better than I am?_

_Laura knew better to not force her into facing anything, because that was not what friends were supposed to do._

“Earth to Reese?”

Reese jumps and finds the taller woman approaching her.

“Hey.”

“You’re _so_ not drunk because of the Rosé[15]!”

Reese hates herself for hating the concern in Laura’s warm smile. _Please. Don’t push another one away._

“Why do you look so tense?”

Another question that can go either way. Lately, Reese has been opting for the shallow. It’s easier.

But it’s never easy to lie to her best friend.

“I don’t know.”

Laura frowns, and freezes when in less than three seconds that blue-white floral dress has comes off of the smaller woman’s body.

“What—”

Reese says something that’s lost in the wind, and Laura can only stare at her back as she strides off into the water, with nothing but her bra and underwear.

“Reese! What the hell!”

“It” must have snapped in Reese’s head or she wouldn’t have swum so fast. Laura knows Reese has been dealing with “it” if only she can tell her what’s wrong. If only they can talk again like those conversations when they were filming and doing the press tour of _Wild_.

_“Elle, we’ve both been in this business for so long.”_

_Reese’s voice slurred the cutest way. Her heart-shaped face was tinted red for the shots they’d done, and her eyes were unfocused but intense. The whole visage made Laura’s chest warm. Reese giggled and leaned forward, losing her balance on the barstool the last minute as she held onto Laura’s lap. She grinned and steadied her friend, their flushed faces merely inches away._

_“What were you saying?”_

_“Well it’s actually nothing.” Reese made a face and carried on, “I’m just curious about you.”_

_“About me?”_

_“Yeah…because you are just so nice **[16]**. The real kind of nice, you know what I’m sayin’?”_

_Laura remembered wanting to say “you’re nice too” but stayed silent. Reese was staring at her with wild abandonment, and Laura decided she needed to tell her before they were too sane._

_Laura shrugged and said, “It’s a corrosive environment.”_

_“Exactly. And how do you stay like this? I don’t mean to sound so spiritual, but you love what you do…you love it with so much passion, such positivity.”_

_Laura was aware Reese hadn’t drawn back her hand on her thigh. She covered her smaller hand and answered truthfully, “I do what I do for art.”_

This is a bad idea and Laura knows it while she swims after Reese, her jeans lying beside Reese’s dress and sunglasses on the cooling sand. The sun is setting down, and the currents feel stronger.

“Reese! Help me!”

Laura curses to herself as she struggles to stay afloat. The blond in a distance stops.

“Oh shit. Laura are you ok?”

The cramp proves to be worth it as Reese swims back next to her. Laura clutches her left leg painfully.

“Cramp. God, it hurts.”

Laura’s brows were pinched as she reaches for Reese’s shoulders to support. Her skin feels warm against the cold water.

“Fuck, just, hold on to me and try to stretch it out. Left calf?”

Laura gives a strained nod. Reese feels awful. All of this could’ve been avoided if it weren’t for her.

She reaches down for her—her right, Laura’s left—leg, finding the convulsing muscles when it twitches under her fingers, violently and angrily. Reese starts to knead on her calf. The ache eases away as Reese’s able hands work diligently, but it still stings. Laura sighs and slumps onto her like a bag of flour, her chin resting on her shoulder. Reese’s skin feels hotter than hers, and it feels good when the water splashing around their bodies is cold. Their chests pressed together with a thin barrier of clothing.

This new proximity feels too natural, it’s almost alerting.

“Better?”

Reese’s voice is low. Laura hums and nods but doesn’t back away. Reese releases her leg, and after evaluation, encircles Laura’s slim waist in case another strong current hit.

They stay like this in a slightly awkward hug, being each other’s refuge in the cold, listening to the symphony of water sloshing, and hearts beating firmly in sync.

“And you?”

Laura’s breath ghosts her ear, and it rises involuntary goosebumps all over. She knows Laura can feel it and she wonders despite after everything, the older woman doesn’t let go.

“I’m sorry.” So Reese lets go first. Laura reads Reese’s face as she detangles herself. Reese looks regretful, almost solemn, and it’s an expression that rarely appears on her.

“Let’s go back.”

For the rest of the night and day, they don’t talk about the incident.

2017.4.2. SUN

Reese slams the bathroom door, and the brutal echo knocks her into a fragment of memory.

_As Reese slammed her trailer-door behind, she had to acknowledge a universal cliché—lead actresses don’t get along on set **[17]**._

_The door opened as quickly as it was closed. Staring at the Columbian woman, the blond was too tired to have another argument._

_Reese hadn’t recovered fully after Wild. After she’d poured her heart out, she was still collecting herself from all the tender memories she’d tapped into; the strong, anonymous emotions she’d evokes didn’t go down quietly **[18]** as she’d expected even after projects like Inherent Vice and Hot Pursuit **[19]**._

_She realized at some point that she should have had listened to Laura. Busying oneself to forget was bullshit. How could anyone get things done when they couldn’t even sleep at night?_

_Sofia was also on edge, upset and exhausted for that frozen-embryo-fiasco with her ex-fiancé **[20]**. It was all over the tabloids._

_Watching the fiery brunet’s mouth move, spewing hurtful point of views in Reese’s direction, the blond felt sorry. Sorry for how toxic their relationship became. It was already too late when they discovered they were seeking shelters in the wrong places. Condescending assumptions never disappear overnight, and acceptances never broaden if their guards were sky-high._

_But Sofia’s lips felt soft despite all the sharp words she was saying, and her body molded just fine with Reese’s when she pressed her against the door._

_When they did press for Hot Pursuit, every time when a kiss heated into an orgasm, Reese thought: now they couldn’t even be friends._

The scorching water flowing across her body doesn’t feel as hot. Hypnotized, Reese watches as the suds foam near her feet. She never tells anyone about Sofia, and Jim…is absent.

She wondered if Sofia Vergara is the reason she’s become closed-off. Or is it an excuse because she crossed professional boundaries?

It _is_ an excuse. Friends can become or remain soulmates without fucking, i.e., the woman who is waiting downstairs for her to join their girls’ night, which they are all watching the BLL’s season finale.

Laura Dern is one of the best things that happens in Reese’s life[21]. She’s her root. She reminds Reese why she wants to act and produce. She’s brave enough to illuminate her the truth (Reese remembers it was a drunken night in the early stages of shooting _Wild_ ).

They were different.

Laura had cleverly (and with great subtlety) pointed out, she performs for art[22] while Reese for herself. No matter if she’s good at acting, it still has consequences.

After her Oscar win, Reese suffered a decline in her career[23].

She merged her production company with Bruna[24], then it all improved. Reese saw why at some point: by truly giving stages for those who love art, who may have had it more figured out, it was the right thing to do. She should have had done it sooner before she fought with other actresses for crappy roles. She would even admit, that _Type A Films_ didn’t operate to produce great films for young women—the company centered and existed _for_ Reese[25].

Laura has taught her to be altruistic. Laura is the only person Reese never feels intimidated by after divulging the darkest places about herself.

She holds onto the older actress, and Laura permits her to stay because Reese needs her.

***

“Does your leg still hurt?”

“A tiny bit, to be honest.”

Laura has her eyes trained on the TV, but her relaxed murmur makes Reese confident enough to lean onto the taller woman’s shoulder. She smells like Reese’s citrus-scented shampoo and sandalwood.

Their girls are transfixed by the performances on the screen, and Reese finds it satisfying that they’ve even forgone the phones they clutch in their hands 24/7.

Nic’s acting is breathtaking. People love her for her enigmatic brokeness. They love Shailene for her honesty, Zoey for her charisma, and Laura for her rage.

She thought she knew why people love her, but faltered every time she saw Madeline in the director’s cut.

Reese will make the same decision again to play the additional parts of Madeline’s infidelity[26]. For the character development and for the sake of the show.

Of course they all see Reese as Madeline for comical coincidences[27]: married young with child, got divorced, met a new guy, has a child with him that is a lot younger than their half-sibling.

Reese hones her personal connection with Madeline, and it has its costs. Confusion doesn’t appear out of the blue, and it certainly doesn’t happen only to amateur actresses.

_“Do you really think this is the right part for me? I mean, I can also see me playing Renata…”_

_“Yes, darling.” The Australian goddess looked straight into her eyes, and it was a thrilling sensation. Reese felt naked, even ashamed if she considered saying no to the suggestion._

_Nicole smiled mysteriously, showing the perfect amount of teeth, then gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Reese realized it was settled._

_“You are playing my best friend, Reese.” **[28]**_

_The corner of the shorter blonde’s mouth twitched. Nicole Kidman was one of the those who operated under art, who understood humanity too well that maybe they sometimes loved art over people._

_One of the reasons why Reese felt safe around Nicole._

_Reese finally gave the taller blond a full smile. A smile that was neither resistant or ready. **[29]**_

“Quit thinking so hard.”

Reese blinks as Laura’s soft words pull her out of her memory. The taller woman turns her head to press an airy kiss on her hair, and simply says, “Enjoy the show.”

The smaller blond relaxes. After a moment, Reese asks, “Can I talk with you after this?”

“Sure. Anything you want.”

Then Laura casually laces their hands together. Reese almost bursts into tears.

Laura always knows what to say or do. Always so kind and aware.

***

“Seriously, mom. Get a room already.”

Ava teased, putting a stop to the murmurs exchanged between Laura and Reese. They were talking something unimportant, about the possibility of a second season. _You Can’t Always Get What You Want_ , the song for end credits[30], echoes in the background.

Jaya giggles after she throws a glance in their direction, phone in hands again. Reese is suddenly conscious of the arm she’s thrown across Laura’s stomach, the hand that’s been caressing hers unconsciously, and the protective arm casually draping on her shoulder.

Reese clears her throat and shifts away. Laura’s gaze focuses on her, and for a second she swears Laura knows how warm she becomes.

“You wanna go outside to talk or…?”

“Or you can go upstairs. There are private spaces with walls.”

Jaya chirps and sends her mom a wink. Reese laughs and says, “Is she not-so-subtly echoing with Ava?”

“Probably.”

Reese only receives a half-smile, indicating that Laura has picked up the uneasiness in her laugh.

_“So, what’s the matter?”_   
  


_“Damn it. How could you tell every time when I’m upset? It’s like you’re frickin’ telepathic.”_

_“Maybe I am.”_

_The shorter blond quirked her brows. Laura didn’t deserve her negativity, so she averted her gaze to glare at the drink instead._

_“Ok, I’m gonna reveal my secret. It’s your laugh. You can tell a lot with someone’s smile or laugh.”_

_Reese chortled, then stopped abruptly when she reconnected with the older woman’s gaze. It was either the lighting in the bar, or Laura didn’t take off her Renata-look, Reese remembered her sudden dry-mouth and clammy palms. There was something serious lurking behind those kind blue eyes, making Laura’s feature’s sharper than usual._

_Reese was sarcastic and aloof during dinner; it was an impromptu celebration for the surprising success: the audience liked Big Little Lies. The ratings **[31]** of the first few episodes couldn’t lie. It was a small gathering since most of the actors couldn’t make it due to their shooting schedule._

_When they shared an Uber home, Reese didn’t say no to Laura’s proposition that they hit a local bar. They both need to get up early the next day, but Reese doubted she would only fuck up the shoot tomorrow if she didn’t get her shit together, preferably now._

_“Why are you analyzing my smiles?” Reese groaned, finished the second refill in one go and muttered, “You have a crush on me somethin’?”_

_She just looked at Reese with a frown. The warm kind of frown, meaning Laura was alarmed._

_The alcohol must’ve had gone straight into her head, because Reese came up with the strangest idea that made her want to interpret the silence from a whole new different angle. A dangerous angle._

_“Are you ok?”_

_The taller woman asked. She hadn’t touched her drink, and it made Reese pause before her third glass of triple-shot-something._

_“Ugh, it’s probably just…not enough vacation and work stuff. Let’s not talk about it.”_

_“Sure.”_

_The background hummed with distorted guitar and chatters in the bar, as they nursed their drinks in the buzzing silence._

_Reese felt her cheeks heating after several drinks. A surge of emotion made her want to smash the tumbler in her nearest wall._

_But just because she could didn’t mean she should. Instead, Reese giggled asked, “So, how are things going on with Mr. NBA **[32]**?”_

_Laura tensed. Reese knew the laughter sounded forced and was ill-timed, but she was too self-absorbed to care. It was after the question reverberated in the air did Reese realized, she didn’t want to know the answer to her question._

_So why did she ask in the first place? Laura had already told her, that she’d dedicated herself to too many things, she forgot how to fall in love. How could Reese ever forget that?_

_“I told you before.” Laura said quietly, her attention unfocused as she stared at a picture hanging on the distant wall, “Baron and I barely know each other **[33]**.”_

_“Yeah, but that’s what you told them right? So maybe I can get some insider—”_

_Laura turned her head to meet Reese’s eyes, a look that was neither disapproving or angry. But it completely silenced Reese._

_Laura was tired._

_“I’m sorry.” Reese hurriedly finished her drink. It should be her last. Laura watched, noticing her trembling hands but didn’t comment. Reese grinned feebly._

_“It must be the Madeline inside talking. And you know me, alcohol never helped.”_

_“I do know you.”_

_She smiled, eyes crinkling a little, and calmly finished up her bourbon after Reese; a_ _ll Laura could think about was: Do you know me, then?_

“So, what’s the matter?”

The Déjà Vu causes Reese’s breath to catch in her throat; it’s what Laura says and how she says it, ricochets with something on her mind.

They are sitting side by side on Laura’s bed—the one in Reese’s guest room. The bed is unmade, and a piece of baggage is opened in the corner. A pink scented candle is standing peacefully on the nightstand, half-used, along with the taller actress’s phone, some trinkets, her reading glasses, and a book.

It’s all a bit unruly in Reese’s standard, but comforting. She collapses backward and grimaces.

Laura turns to look at her, amused.

“Holy shit, this is uncomfortable.”

“I’m not complaining.”

She looks down at Reese, a gentle smile making its way up her face. Reese flashes a dazzling beam for distraction, just so she can pull Laura down with her. She giggles at the surprised grunt when the taller woman hits the mattress, then Laura starts to laugh along.

“So what do you think about that last episode?”

“Is this Madeline speaking or the producer[34]?”

“Just Laura Jeanne speakin’.”

Laura grins and says, “I’m looking forward to the next season as a fan, and as _Renata_ …I suspect something more explosive is about to happen. The ending we just watched feels a little…vanilla for her[35].”

“I still think a second season is highly possible. And how about Elle? What does she think?”

Reese shifts closer to tuck her chin in the nook of Laura’s neck. It feels natural when Laura stretches her arm underneath her head as a pillow, welcoming their closeness.

She pauses for a moment then says, “It’s fun and exhausting of course, and it’s not that I’m afraid I won’t be able to bring more layers into Renata…I feel I need a break after all this, after the movies and the show. I know I can’t match my standard of performance if all I can see are more projects to come and less time with family and friends. I want a real rest.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Reese sighed, “It’s tiring. But at least you have a Dernaissance[36] coming.”

“God I can’t believe that’s what they say. Is that a real thing?”

“Oh yeah. It’s trending on Twitter.”

“You can’t trust fame. Or social media.”

“That’s true.”

They fall into a comfortable silence. Reese knows Laura is waiting patiently for her to say what she wants to tell her.

Reese maneuvers and sits up, now in a safe distance with her previous comfort. Laura follows suit and holds her breath for impact. She started to search for memories that can rival this level of uneasiness.

_“…I think sexuality is fluid. I believe in gender-fluidity **[37]**.”_

_“I agree. Wait. Are you coming out? ‘cause I remember there are a lot of interviews saying that you’re straight **[38]**.”_

_Reese looked surprised. It was universal news Laura didn’t have work for over a year after that Ellen episode **[39]**. _

_And the fact that Reese would know anything about her sexuality was very intriguing._

_“I didn’t think it was a statement worth going public because I have so many other things to tell. It’s gonna take people’s attention away from the things I want to convey. I was already benched for a year, remember?”_

_Laura said flippantly. Reese tried to smile, which ended up grimacing. The rest of her expression was indecipherable. She must have had noticed Laura only answered her question indirectly._

_Laura carried on, “At that time a lot of my friends were shocked **[40]**, and I’ve never heard from some of them since, but I got to spend time with my son. It just didn’t feel complete, like there was a calling in my bones, telling me I had yet to achieve something. I guess back in the nineties the world was just…too narrow—”_

_“If you were asked now, would say something about it?”_

_She didn’t wait for Laura to finish her sentence. Reese looked like a cat on a wire, with a blazing glint in her eyes boosting her presence. Laura felt the hair on the back of her neck stood—this was really about her, not Reese._

_Which was rare._

_“If someone should ask.”_

_It was more of a test to see Reese’s reaction. The shorter blond didn’t waver as she stared back, posture rigid. After a few seconds, Reese averted her eyes._

_Laura was a little disappointed. Friends be honest with each other. Laura told her the truth only when Reese asked for one._

_Because Reese didn’t know how to ask the right questions to understand her._

_Nor did Reese know how to hide things very well._

“I slept with Sofia Vergara. On multiple occasions. I didn’t tell anyone.”

That is not what Reese’s planned to say. Not at all. She was meant to share her trepidation about herself and Madeline…

Now the air is shocked into silence. Reese wrings fists full of sheet into her hands until her knuckles turn white. She doesn’t dare to look at Laura.

Reese stares at the wall in front as Laura observes her profile.

The younger blond is a beautiful creature, full of energy and visions. Reese is a woman of attitude, bravery, and wit. Laura is in awe of many things Reese has accomplished so far[41], career and family-wise.

She has never struck Laura as a home-wrecker. Never has, and never will be.

Reese gets up and drags herself away, leaving Laura stranded in the quiet.

***

“Thought I would find you out here.”

Laura sounds a bit breathless. Reese doesn’t look at the taller woman’s face, nor did she ran away from her. She just keeps walking, feeling the salty wind whipping at her face and the gritty sand underneath her bare feet.

“You know, I’ve never seen you as Madeline Martha Mackenzie.”

“Well, that breaks my heart. I was giving the performance of a lifetime.”

Laura ignores the sardonic tone, “I mean, I can see you playing her very well, because you’re actually a great actress. I will admit the similarities between you and her are staggering—”

“Laura, what are you saying? After what I just told you I believe you’re not here to talk about a character I played.”

Reese is guilty of speaking to her like this. But Laura gets it. Acting aggressive and indifferent reveals how vulnerable Reese is.

“I am trying to say, that you are never Madeline because you are _you_ , Laura Jeanne.”

Reese stops in her tracks and stares at the taller blond. Laura looks unapologetic but restless.

“Let me just ask you something simple: did you choose to play her as a cheating housewife because you’ve done something similar?”

“How _dare_ you.” Laura doesn’t wince. She steps closer, voice turning as cold as ice, “Of all people, you doubt my motive for making a choice like that? You think I’m not doing it for the show?”

“Then how come you never tell Jim anything?”

“I love him, he loves me but we’re in a rough patch…besides, Tennessee is just five[42]! I don’t want another one of my kids to experience parents separating again!”

“Why would you do something like that in the first place? You are so much better than this! You are smart enough to see it!”

“See what?”

Reese shakes her head with her eyes narrowing like a snake ready to strike. This is what Laura has been dreading—their relationship repeating her previous ones. Laura knows It’s never wise to hold onto her naivetés, that she can actually save people.

Because those who don’t want to be saved, can’t.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Laura is right. Had Reese not faced herself after filming Wild, Sofia would never happen. Had she not come to a spiritual truce with herself, nothing including _this_ would have had happened.

Laura shifts in her stance with uneasiness clouding her face. Maybe _this_ is more than it seems as Reese recalled something Laura said.

_“I always find women of secrets attractive.”_

_Reese winked at Laura as she sipped her drink. Laura raised her brows._

_It was two weeks after the “sexuality conversation”. Laura wouldn’t lie, that she felt relieved when Reese acted like her natural self, the next day after that night._

_“Is this some sort of obligatory reciprocation? You coming out to me?”_

_Reese laughed, her face flushing. She may be good at hiding things, but not around Laura. There was no need._

_“My lesbianism is highly underrated **[43]**. Seriously.”_

_Laura wasn’t surprised it would progress into this territory. Reese must also felt unfulfilled about their previous conversation._

_“And why is that?”_

_Reese stiffened. Laura’s voice was low, throatier than she’d intended._

_“I dunno…maybe it’s because I don’t fit into any gay-mold.” She hurriedly said, a little flustered. Laura chuckled._

_“Exactly. I can see why now. Gay-mold? What the hell is gay-mold? It’s called stereotype.”_

_Reese cackled; her almost-platinum blond hair caught the colored-light in the bar, and it shimmered several shades darker as her small body shook with laughter. Laura always thought Madeline’s hairstyle **[44]** suited Reese._

_“You see? I am WAY too girlie to even talk like a homosexual.”_

_“Practice makes perfect.”_

_“Are you suggesting you have loads of secret girlfriends lurking in the dark?”_

_Laura made a face but didn’t comment, sipping her cocktail in leisure. Reese studied her statuesque profile. Laura’s eyes had become slightly distant._

_Reese swallowed, and said, “Laura, I’ve been wanting to ask you this…and I don’t mean to pry…”_

_Laura looked at her, misty eyes sparkling in a tornado of blues, so unlike her usual self. The insufficient lighting cast mystic shadows on Laura’s face and her features appeared harsh. Reese was momentarily confused—maybe she didn’t know this woman at all._

_Curiosity killed the cat, but that guaranteed satisfaction made Reese bold enough to carry on, “What do you mean by you don’t know how to fall in love?”_

_“It was something…to be precise, I’ve forgotten how to.”_

_“After you and Ben Harper **[45]**?”_

_Laura was carefully organizing the words. Although Laura wasn’t afraid to show her true herself, Reese had yet to be able to understand things. The things so profound that they define who they were._

_“I married someone who couldn’t understand my craft, and it was a situation that went both ways. I don’t fully get what he did either **[46]**, because…” Laura paused and Reese felt scared. Not only because this was torturously intimate._

_“That way, we wouldn’t have to force each other into facing ourselves.”_

_“Why? That’s what lovers do, right?”_

_Laura’s heart skipped a beat._

_She was now sure Reese was mature yet immature enough for her stay around. Only lovers would do what Laura wanted to with Reese; maybe Laura had already crossed the line when she “mentored” the shorter blond._

_And Reese had let her._

_“Last time I did something like that, the lover ran to marry another woman **[47]**.”_

_Reese’s face whitened. How Billy Bob Thornton blew his engagement with Laura and married Jolie was THE news of the century. She had underestimated the trauma and heartbreak Laura must have had gone through. She had missed so many things about Laura._

_“God, I’m sorry.”_

_Laura smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. Exhausted, she muttered, “I guess some wounds never heal.”_

Realization throws Reese into a fight or flight state. Fuck, she is an idiot. How long has this been going on? That they connect more than friends? That all of this has put them together to be more than friends?

Laura sees everything flicker by Reese’s face. This time, she flees first.

Reese watches as the willowy blond walks away. Laura seems straggled and too thin in a distant dark.

She continues to stand immobile in the sand.

***

“Laura? Are you asleep?”

Reese opens the door to a small crack. The flaming candle on the nightstand indicates Laura has been awake as well, even if the lights were off. Laura sits up slowly while she squirms by the doorframe, “Can we…talk?”

“Sure.”

Reese can’t tell if Laura is angry. She enters the room and carefully closes the door. A gust of wind escapes from the window, fluttering the curtains, and sends strands of their hair twirling. The room smells faintly of rose and honey as the pale light streaks into their space.

Reese carefully sits on the edge of the bed. Laura’s face reveals nothing.

“I didn’t choose to play _that_ part of Madeline because I wanted to justify my actions or something.”

“I know.” Laura mutters as she rakes her hair from her face, now a bit tousled, “Of course, I know.”

“Then why would you ask me that?”

“To make you face…whatever it is that has been troubling you.”

Reese blinks, her breath shallowing.

Laura looked lost when she said, “I’m sorry if I crossed the line.”

“Don’t be.” Reese swallows, realizing they are really talking about it, “You’ve never done anything I didn’t want you to.”

“And that…is the fault we need to carry.”

Truth hurts. Truth is heavy. Reese’s stomach turns into a stone even if Laura seems calm and wise as ever, except that the bleak moonlight has made the older actress look gaunt and spent.

“I appreciate what you’ve done.” Her hand twitches for the want to touch Laura’s, “You saved me from…too many things.”

“Only it shouldn’t be me.”

Laura smiles, her eyes reflecting the candlelight and Reese can see the flame jumping in her dark, infinite eyes.

“I’m still…” Reese takes a deep breath. How can she put this in words?

Laura reaches for her hand and holds her. It somehow instills strength in her. Reese finally rasps out, “Look how far we’ve made, and who we’ve become.”

“Yes.” Laura says quietly, her eyes glistening a little, “And nothing has to change.”

Only it is going to change everything. Reese’s throat closes up, and she’s not sure she’s more relieved or saddened.

“It’s just…such a shame.”

Responding with a dry chuckle, Reese wipes an escaping tear despite her great effort to stay calm. Laura sighs and leans forward.

“It going to be ok.” Reese searches her eyes. She wants to believe Laura so much yet the future now seems misshaped. Laura looks sincere as ever as she inches her face closer, pressing her forehead with Reese’s. “You’ll be ok.”

She can feel Laura’s breath on her face, and she just stays there, heart hammering in her chest. Serenity settles in and it cools down her burning cheeks.

“How about you?”

Reese withdraws a little as she uses both hands to secure Laura’s, like she’s afraid her friend will drift away. Laura hasn’t been that close, but she will never be far. Reese now understands she’s failed to see so many things. Laura doesn’t want to repeat her mistakes, that’s why she keeps her at a distance.

Laura doesn’t want to face her demons, that’s why she keeps Reese closest.

She uses her vacant hand to caress the outline of Reese’s face, fingertips barely making contact like she’s afraid Reese will break or disappear under the touch.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Like you were before?”

Laura pauses. Their bodies are trembling, but they will survive this because what they’ve built is much stronger than they’ve imagined.

Laura looks away as she draws her hand out of Reese’s hold. She reaches for the candle, and delicately blows out the flame with precision. As the room turns darker, Reese thinks that perhaps someday, Laura will meet someone who she needn’t calculate every word she says, someone she can be fully honest.

Someone to chase to ghost away, someone to heal.

“I don’t know if It’s going to change. I don’t know if I can change.”

“People change, Laura. That’s why you never give up on me even if I thought I’ve regressed, or I’m letting down everyone I care about.” Reese has never talked to her this way, tone sharp and rigorous like their roles are reversed. They leave no regrets when the inevitable hits and they are proud, because they’ve been good together.

Reese reached for Laura’s hand again, her gaze fervent and tender.

“You put your faith in me when I don’t believe myself, now I’m asking you to do the same.”

Laura doesn’t say a thing but Reese receives a teary smile, and then a chaste kiss on the lips after it all ends with a quiet tremble in the warm, quiet dark.

***

Months later, Laura starts to date Baron Davis[48]. Reese is happy for her.

Although she can’t stop the poignant feeling from persisting. She is human to think she lost something that’s never found. Sometimes memories just get too loud.

At times like that she reminds herself of what she has, and the things she’s mended.

She told Jim about the affair soon after. They fought and barely talk to each other for a month, this time much more serious than that night in Atlanta[49].

But they’ve decided to make things work. Families don’t give up on each other. All in all, Reese is in one piece as she rejoins the old BLL crew at the end of the year. The shooting is still grilling and painful and long.

***

“God, this place brings us _back_.”

Reese raises her brows and looks around. Laura hums as she downs her whiskey. They’re at the bar with shadowy lights, the one which they’ve shared innumerable memories with each other. It’s going to be crowded soon since it’s a Friday night, and it’s only ten P.M. They’ve wrapped up the scene pretty early because, according to Andrea, she loves the chemistry between Renata and Madeline[50], and she doesn’t want to do too many shots.

“Glad to see it doesn’t change much.”

“So are you finally going to tell me about NBA guy or what? Just so you know, I’m married, so please don’t read this as a jealous act.”

She says dramatically. Laura throws her head back and laughs.

Reese doesn’t think Laura as someone who can reel in emotions with a snap of her fingers. However, the older blond hasn’t expressed any second thoughts after that spring-break night with Reese. Nor does she act like she’s hurt and regretful, or behaving like an emotional-blackmailer. All the more grateful Reese is—this is how Laura let her know she cares.

“He’s a really sweet guy. Funny, sexy and really charming. But aren’t that what they all appear to be the first three months.”

Reese laughs at Laura’s flippant tone.

“You’re totally smitten!”

When Laura doesn’t deny, Reese laughs harder at her friend’s reddening face.

“Ok, I wanna show you something really cool. Shai shared it with me a couple of days ago. You ever heard of fan-fiction before?”

“Yeah. I’d read some.”

“Holy cow! How? What did you read?” Reese gapes at her and then starts to search for something on her phone.

“Holdo and Princess Leia[51]. Because since I’m playing a character in Star Wars[52] how can I not read the fan-fiction?”

“And?”

“Some of them were great! But uh, some just went way south.”

Reese giggles. She might have an idea or two about what Laura means by _going south_.

“Do you know we are a ship[53] on Big Little Lies?” The expression on Laura’s face is just priceless, and Reese can’t wait to see her reaction as she shoves her phone into Laura’s hand.

“Read it. It’s going to blow your mind.”

And it does, for the amount of blush and slack-jaw Reese perceives the next few minutes.

“If only we have our own ship’s name[54].”

_~Fin~_

[1] According to [Reese’s ](https://www.instagram.com/p/BST0eflh90C/)and [Laura’s ](https://www.instagram.com/p/BSSCQz5AKHx/)Instagram.

[2] On November 25, 2014, it was [announced ](https://deadline.com/2014/11/nicole-kidman-reese-witherspoon-star-big-little-lies-limited-series-david-e-kelley-1201296852/)that Nicole and Reese had decided to develop the project into a limited television series instead of the originally planned film. Bless them for that.

[3] According to [this](https://www.vogue.com/article/reese-witherspoon-big-little-lies-madeline-mackenzie), “You are very clearly Madeline.”

[4] [Spring break](https://www.instagram.com/p/BSR43fShLAG/)!

[5] The principal photography of _[Cold Pursuit](http://www.whatsfilming.ca/2017/04/10/hard-powder-with-liam-neeson-starts-filming-in-british-columbia/)_ began in March 2017.

[6] Reese has a daughter (Ava) and two sons (Deacon and Tennessee) while Laura has a daughter (Jaya) and a son (Ellery). See how Ellery is talented in [fashion](https://www.thelist.com/154362/laura-derns-son-grew-up-to-be-gorgeous/).

[7] Based on the date of the [interview](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmdSxCamEl0) and [Laura’s ](https://www.instagram.com/p/BSUQQsxgq4d/)Instagram.

[8] According to [this](https://youtu.be/F4ye-iJ04dI?t=198) interview.

[9] Names of their characters when they respectively worked with director Alexander Payne.

[10] Seriously, do I even have to explain [this ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-4tIs00NvM)to you?

[11] Laura Elizabeth Dern and Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon are their full names

[12] Inspired by [this pic, where they’re on a plane.](https://www.wmagazine.com/gallery/reese-witherspoon-laura-dern-friends-instagram/#6)

[13] Reese was in an [accident](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2036927/Reese-Witherspoon-bruised-car-accident-Actress-reveals-black-eye-cuts.html).

[14] Our American Sweetheart has [tattoos](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.popsugar.com%2Fcelebrity%2Fphoto-gallery%2F18769508%2Fimage%2F18769514%2FReese-Witherspoon-shows-tattoo-bikini&psig=AOvVaw3fgGXh3nLSuh5WBVUxtnmI&ust=1581883876764000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCOjLx-iu1OcCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD)!

[15] I see [alcohol](https://www.instagram.com/p/BST1DEqgFTb/).

[16] Inspired by [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jaWzNu8Buo&t=1405s)—“All roads lead back to Laura Dern.”

[17] Watch [this ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALutZp-lRWo)and you’ll understand why. It’s the driest and awkward interview I’ve ever watched.

[18] The interviewer [asked ](https://youtu.be/v_Xron49F6c?t=1042)Reese about the vulnerability she needed to show in _Wild_ , and she said it was very hard: she didn’t want to do the sex scenes nor the heroin scenes. Guys, she had to be filmed having sex with two strangers in a valley. That was tough.

[19] The principal photography of _[Hot Pursuit](https://onlocationvacations.com/2014/05/14/dont-mess-with-texas-starring-reese-witherspoon-and-sofia-vergara-filming-begins-in-new-orleans/)_ began on May 12, 2014 in New Orleans, Louisiana, and was set to last for two months. As for _[Inherent Vice](https://variety.com/2013/film/news/joaquin-phoenixs-inherent-vice-starting-to-boost-l-a-production-1200495678/)_ , shooting was to take place until August 2, 2013.

[20] The whole [thing ](https://www.bionews.org.uk/page_95020)is a mess I feel bad for Sofia.

[21] Inspired by [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BttYE1sjIqA/) (heart-eyes).

[22] Laura collaborated with director David Lynch multiple times— _Blue Velvet_ , _Wild at Heart_ , _Inland Empire_ , and _Twin Peaks_. Check out those films and you’ll find what [Lynchian ](https://nofilmschool.com/2015/12/how-do-you-define-lynchian-exploration-david-lynchs-cinematic-style)means—extremely bizarre (but in a good way).

[23] She said so in an interview [here](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/reese-witherspoon-ready-for-a-change/).

[24] I look up to Mrs. Witherspoon for her courage doing [this](https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/reese-witherspoon-papandrea-pacific-standard-297776).

[25] If you check out the [films ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Type_A_Films#cite_note-2)the company produced, you’ll find they all featured Reese except in _[Legally Blondes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legally_Blondes)_ she was the producer.

[26] "I didn't have anything to play but perfection, and I just think those people who are perfect [are] all full of shit,", explained Reese that the [change ](https://www.elle.com/culture/movies-tv/news/a44268/big-little-lies-book-show/)was made because Madeline was too flawless in the book.

[27] Reese’s real life is very similar to Madeleine according to the trivia of BLL on [IMDB](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3920596/trivia?ref_=tt_trv_trv).

[28] “It was Nicole who talked me into playing her, and I'm so glad she did,”, said Reese to [BW](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-7092597/Reese-Witherspoon-says-Nicole-Kidman-talked-playing-role.html).

[29] “I've always had fun playing Madeline even though I was reluctant to play the character initially,” another quote from Reese.

[30] A superb [song](https://www.what-song.com/Tvshow/100207/Big-Little-Lies/e/108378).

[31] [See ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Little_Lies_\(TV_series\)#Ratings)for yourself; it actually did pretty ok.

[32] Baron Davis, an [NBA player](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baron_Davis#Later_years_and_comeback_\(2012%E2%80%932016\)) who Laura may have had entered into a relationship with.

[33] We don’t know when exactly Laura started to date her [rumored boyfriend](https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/laura-dern-baron-davis-kiss-during-lunch-date-pics/).

[34] Reese is one of the [producers ](https://deadline.com/2014/08/nicole-kidman-reese-witherspoon-team-on-big-little-lies-rights-deal-815273/)of Big Little lies.

[35] I mean come on, [this ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DQmXNn84znyQ&psig=AOvVaw2Yb756VWHLOQq9Y6dzzb9g&ust=1581873682515000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CA0QjhxqFwoTCNCLsuyI1OcCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD)happens in season two; Renata has SO much fire in her.

[36] [This ](https://youtu.be/nlQotkWWDQI?t=125)will prove Dernaissance really happens. I died watching it. Bless my gay heart.

[37] “Love is love. And it’s so gender-fluid that none of them are being defined.”, said Laura in [this](http://www.epgn.com/arts-and-culture/portraits/15577-gay-for-laura-dern).

[38] “I’m so straight—unfortunately, probably, for me,”, sorry folks, Laura said that [here](https://ew.com/article/1997/04/25/laura-dern-not-lesbian/).

[39] Laura got [blacklisted ](https://www.etonline.com/features/220146_the_laura_dern_aissance_and_2017_scene_stealer_of_big_little_lies_and_twin_peaks)after The Puppy Episode on Ellen because people thought she was gay. Let’s all just take a moment.

[40] “I started getting calls, which was so shocking to me, from friends and colleagues, even gay friends and colleagues, saying, ‘Are you sure you want to do that?’” Dern said, recalling the negative feedback she received after saying yes to playing Susan, Ellen’s love interest.

[41] Inspired by [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BgoxfPAHI_r/). It’s just so sweet.

[42] Reese and Jim have a son together, Tennessee, who was [born ](https://web.archive.org/web/20120928183748/http:/celebritybabies.people.com/2012/09/27/reese-witherspoon-jim-toth-welcome-son-tennessee-james/)on September 26, 2012.

[43] "…He (Rob Pattinson) called me 33 percent lesbian, which was a gross underestimation of my lesbian-ness," Reese joked to MTV, and then said she was at least [55 percent](http://www.mtv.com/news/1665215/reese-witherspoon-robert-pattinson/).

[44] Just wanna say this [look ](https://hips.hearstapps.com/hmg-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/images/reese-witherspoon-big-little-lies-1491425493.jpg)absolutely melts me into a puddle of fangirling.

[45] Laura and Ben were wed in December 2005 and their divorce was finalized in September 2013.

[46] The couple tried. They [reconciled ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nydailynews.com%2Fentertainment%2Fgossip%2Fben-harper-laura-dern-reconciling-article-1.1018742&psig=AOvVaw19z34vlPfEw3CkMc7KJtnD&ust=1581875834265000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CA0QjhxqFwoTCPDbsOuQ1OcCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD)briefly in 2012 and stepped out for HBO's Golden Globe Awards after-party at the time.

[47] Laura dated Thornton in [1997](https://www.instyle.com/news/tbt-laura-dern-billy-bob-thornton-relationship), but he went and married Angie in [2000](https://www.eonline.com/news/944043/billy-bob-thornton-reveals-the-one-reason-he-divorced-angelina-jolie). “I left our home to work on a movie, and while I was away, my boyfriend got married, and I’ve never heard from him again.”, then Laura said to [Talk magazine](https://abcnews.go.com/amp/Entertainment/story?id=115669&page=1), “It’s like a sudden death. For no one has there been any closure or clarity.”

[48] In December 2017 they were spotted [kissing](https://www.tmz.com/photos/image_jpg_20171228_f1b6e82f2e4a5a68befb1c7608658b5e/).

[49] The couple was [arrested](https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/reese-witherspoon-interview-2013-arrest-actress-crazy-things-19090300) on April 6, 2012, for DUI and disorderly conduct.

[50] [Here ](https://www.instagram.com/p/BghzhldBgIo/)is a little taste (I want them to choke me with those looks). Also, [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BFj7va9ihUu/), [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BFlsK6wRQP4/), the second picture of [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/B0Luv_qBZaD/), and [this](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2019/07/15/arts/15lies-recap/merlin_157808580_1cd9619a-b0db-498c-ba44-940e0a56d97b-jumbo.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp). (Now I’m just throwing random Renata/Madeline pics at your direction, oops.)

[51] In an [interview](http://www.epgn.com/arts-and-culture/portraits/15577-gay-for-laura-dern), Laura said she did read fan-fiction saying Holdo and Princess Leia were lovers.

[52] So [iconic](https://www.instagram.com/p/BiXBnlhHVVn/). I had to, too.

[53] Read the works [here](https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Renata%20Klein*s*Madeline%20Martha%20Mackenzie/works), please. I’m so in awe of their writings. They’re my Muse!

[54] It’s the sad truth. Try googling it.

**Author's Note:**

> This started as an idea and then the whole thing started to come to me piece by piece.  
> I still don't know what I've done (please excuse so many references because I want to make it as real as it can be), but I hope you enjoyed this! Kudos, comments, and suggestions are welcomed!


End file.
